Extract of How to Stop Bullying Positive Steps to Protect Children in Your Care

Introduction

According to Bully OnLine, at least 16 children in the UK kill themselves each year because they are being bullied at school and no one in authority is doing anything about it. ChildLine has reported that four out of every five bullied children have asked for help and have done so repeatedly, despite fears of reprisal: many of ChildLine’s calls are from young people who are still being bullied even after telling an adult.

How to Stop Bullying demystifies the issues of bullying showing how parents and teachers can help prevent children from becoming, and being, victims, and from becoming, and being, bullies. The book also explains what bystanders can do to help stop bullying. Bullying may exist in today’s life but we can do something about it: we each need to take responsibility for our own behaviour and the reporting of, and dealing with, undesirable behaviour in others.

The terms bullies and victims are transitory – a bully can stop being a bully at any moment as can a victim stop being a victim. These descriptions have only been used throughout the book to clearly identify behaviour at a particular time and in no way labels a child inherently as either a bully or a victim.

Chapter four: What teachers can do to stop bullying

School should be a safe and supported environment that does not tolerate bullying at any level but tries to foster team work, acceptance and understanding among its pupils and staff. Here are some ways teachers could help schools achieve this.

General advice for teachers to stop bullying behaviour

Promote cooperation. Teachers could ask for help in carrying books or in handing them out, clearing away after practical work, and by asking children to help one another. Teachers could pair off children who don’t normally work together and give them tasks to complete together.

Teach prosocial behaviour to ensure that the social skill level of the whole class is raised. This can be done formally by having lessons where social situations are discussed, and informally as certain situations arise. For example, if a child falls out with another child, the teacher could help the children settle their differences in non-aggressive ways and to apologise.

Praise all prosocial behaviour: cooperation, negotiation, compromise, conflict resolution and friendliness. In primary schools, teachers could give children stickers for prosocial behaviour. In secondary schools, teachers could give children special ink stamps in their homework books: when they have collected a certain number, they could be exchanged for a certificate.

Teach prosocial behaviour by example. This includes teachers being kind to children generally and not picking on timid children. Teachers should be ready to listen and show respect by not ridiculing wrong answers.

Ms Y separated Wanda in Year 8 to sit on her own in the lessons because she was talkative. One day Wanda was upset and passed a note to her best friend explaining what had happened in her family. The teacher took the note and read it out to the whole class in Wanda’s presence in a deriding tone. She put on an affected voice, saying in mock sympathy, ‘Ah.’

Ms Y could have read the note privately and later discussed with Wanda the inappropriateness of using lesson time to write it. Then she could have talked to Wanda about what was happening at home.

Some children have spotted senior teachers bullying newly qualified teachers; one pupil witnessed his female class teacher being sexually harassed by a male teacher – when this male teacher knew that the child was still in the classroom. If teachers are being bullied how can the school stop the children from being bullied?

Intervene before a situation escalates - teachers can bring the conflict to a quicker conclusion which limits aggression between children. If the conflict arises during a lesson, the teacher could keep the children back at the end of the lesson to talk about what had happened and how each of them could contribute to putting it right.

Take heed of what children say and how they look – so that teachers can spot trouble and show caring towards their pupils. If a child has been crying or looks sad teachers could ask what is wrong when they are alone together – a victim may brush off any troubles if publicly asked what the problem is.

Connect with pupils - teachers should show care generally towards children in the school. This will make it more likely that children will take on board what teachers say and for the children to care about their teachers and other children in the school. Connecting with pupils can have a positive spiralling effect in the same way as having a school full of angry, disillusioned teachers shouting throughout every lesson can have a negative effect.

Vary the seating plan of the class – particularly in primary schools – or have some activities where pupils are grouped randomly to increase the number of children each of them get to know. This can help new relationships to form and enables pupils to connect with many more children in the class.

Male teachers - and senior male pupils - should take a proactive role in stopping bullying behaviour by showing expectations of prosocial behaviour and by not using aggression when dealing with others. This can particularly help address the problem of aggressive boys.

Consider carefully the use of language in school – so that teachers help prevent children being permanently labelled. Much is made of ‘Stop the Bully’ posters and although this is a short and punchy message it doesn’t allow for the fact that any child can show bullying behaviour and, when she doesn’t bully, she may have many more apparent positive qualities. It may be more helpful for teachers to say, ‘Stop Bullying Behaviour’.

Give children hope by taking their concerns seriously. Teachers should make sure that they listen to what children have to say and follow it up either personally or by referring the matter to a senior member of staff – and checking with the children that they are being given the help and support they need.

Emphasise commonalities. Bullies and victims may have more in common than either of them imagine. They probably enjoy listening to the same music, watching the same TV programmes, visiting the same websites on the net. They experience the same feelings when things go well or badly. They probably have similar fears, hopes and dreams. By breaking down perceived differences between children, teachers help them connect with one another.

Teachers should question their behaviour and their motives

It is often useful for teachers to ‘observe’ their own behaviour to help moderate their teaching performance since there are usually no other teachers to help them do this: most teacher/pupil interactions take place in isolation...

Chapter five: What parents can do to stop bullying

By being informed about what bullying involves and how it affects children, parents are better able to help their children become less of a target of bullying, prevent their children from bullying – many children are bullies as well as victims – and to help when their child witnesses bullying.

How bullying affects your child’s health

Understanding how bullying can affect your child’s health will help you look out for warning signs – and help the professionals involved in your child’s education take your concerns seriously.

Bullies commonly have ailments such as headaches, stomach aches, back aches, insomnia and feeling dizzy and they are more prone to feeling irritable, nervous, lonely and low. They are more likely to think about, and commit, suicide. Bullies are at increased risk of antisocial behaviour and for having negative attitudes towards school and education, resulting in underperformance and truanting.

In the long term, bullies tend to become aggressive adults who stand a much higher chance than average of obtaining multiple criminal convictions, especially for men who were aggressive as children. They are also more likely to be unemployed, abuse their spouse, and develop alcoholism, antisocial personality disorder, depression and anxiety.

Victims also suffer from minor ailments like bullies do but more frequently. They may also try to avoid school - and are more likely to have low academic achievement. Anxiety, low self-esteem, and depression are common; sometimes victims commit suicide. Being bullied can make victims view their peers as hostile, untrustworthy and having bad intentions leading to social anxiety and poor quality friendships. Internalising problems – not discussing them with people who can help – further isolates victims.

In the long term, victims may have difficulty forming any close intimate relationships, have difficulty trusting people, have low self-esteem and be prone to depression. Severely bullied young people can grow up to be angry and vengeful adults who are no longer willing to tolerate any kind of perceived oppression. Schäfer and others (2004) have found that victimisation at work is somewhat more common in former school victims.

Bully/victims have been found to be highly maladjusted - more so than children who are only victimised. In a study by Salmon and others (2000) being bullied was frequently a factor in presentation of adolescents to psychiatric outpatient services, with depression being in over 70 per cent of cases. In contrast, bullies and bully/victims were most likely to present with conduct disorders (see Common conditions that coexist with ADHD in Chapter six).

Bystanders can experience anxiety and fear – if they see that no one has intervened they may worry that they too might get bullied. If the victim is a friend of theirs they might break off the relationship worried that they might soon become embroiled in the bully’s actions or that they will lose status from being seen socialising with the victim. They may even blame their friend for inviting the negative attention.

Bystanders can also feel guilty and helpless for not standing up to the bully or for getting help. Some might be persuaded to join in with the bullying over time: children who observe violent behaviour without negative consequences for the bully are more likely to use aggression in the future.

General advice for parents to stop bullying behaviour

Ask your child about her day and her friendships to find out if she is being treated negatively – or treating other children negatively. If you recognise any bullying behaviour directed at, or by, your child talk it through and suggest ways for your child to deal with it – as victim or bully. If your child insists there is nothing wrong but you are still concerned by her behaviour, contact the school to say that you are worried and explain why. Someone should follow it up.

Check your understanding of what your child wants to say and how he feels: ‘So you think your teacher’s picking on you?... I can see this has upset you…’

Avoid having attitudes such as, ‘Being bullied never did me any harm,’ and, ‘Bullying is part of growing up – it builds character,’ and, ‘Boys will be boys,’ and, ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.’ They are not useful in stopping bullying behaviour or in helping a child who is being bullied.

Avoid showing prejudices. For example, if your child hears you speak derogatively of other races or of homosexuality, that message will be replayed in school. Instead show tolerance and show an expectation that your child is tolerant of other people, of their beliefs and of their lifestyles. You also need to allow for the fact that your child might grow up to be lesbian or gay, for example. Let your child know that you will love her just as much whatever her sexuality.

Tell your child that he should refuse to join in any bullying and report any bullying that he sees. He should also try to diffuse any rising conflict by ignoring what was said or by walking away. But he should tell you about what happened so that you can discuss future tactics.

Be a strong role model for prosocial behaviour. Apologise to your child when you make a mistake – and ask for an apology when she does something hurtful to you. Allow your child to correct you; this should make her more receptive to you when you tell her off.

Show care to friends and neighbours. For example, when a neighbour has a crisis such as bereavement, help out with preparing food, shopping or looking after her children. Let your child hear you express your sympathy and discuss with your child how sad it is for your neighbour. It is especially important for boys to see their fathers in a caring role.

When you see someone in trouble ask to help. I was in an out of town shopping centre, returning to my car. An elderly couple passed my daughter and me, walking towards the shops. The man had to stop every few paces to cling onto a bollard to get his breath back. I asked if they wanted help and for me to get a wheelchair for him. This is not to suggest that children should offer to help strangers but to follow your example by offering to help a child in distress in school.

It is also important for your child to see you intervene to help other people or to put something right. Adrian was travelling on the train when a group of rugby supporters got on. They lit up. Adrian pointed to the No Smoking sign and said, ‘Smoking in trains is not allowed.’ Although the supporters did not put out their cigarettes straight away, other passengers became emboldened and backed Adrian up. The supporters extinguished their cigarettes. Again, it would be inappropriate for a child to challenge a train full of adults. However, witnessing the effect of one person saying something and having all the bystanders join in might encourage your child to speak out when he witnesses bullying behaviour in school.

Also be careful not to drop litter and to check that your child doesn’t drop it – this shows respect for other people and the local community. Be friendly to your local shopkeepers and impress upon your child to be polite to them, especially if you use a corner shop - show you value the convenience of having them open early until late, sympathise with the long hours they must keep and ask after their health.

Encourage your child to talk about feelings by sharing how you feel about something that’s happened or how you feel about your day. This will make it more natural for your child to confide in you when something has gone wrong alerting you to bullying issues early. Talking about what has happened will help her feel supported. This can give her emotional strength to deal with the bullying and seek help from you, friends and teachers if necessary. Boys can find it especially hard to reveal how they feel so living with a father who does admit to vulnerabilities and talks about emotional issues can help boys become more open.

Have clear boundaries and consequences as a framework to living as a family but do be prepared to negotiate and listen to your child. This makes her feel respected and will give her high self-esteem; qualities that are needed in challenging bullying behaviour...